


A Whole Lot of History

by ThereIsNoSuchThing



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Everyone's alive, F/M, Flashbacks, M/M, Modern AU, More tags to be added?, Muggle AU, Teacher Remus, YouTuber James, YouTuber Sirius, fangirls lol, sry but i'm trash for shit like this, their relationship is secret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:52:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6676705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoSuchThing/pseuds/ThereIsNoSuchThing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>11 years ago, Remus and Sirius met each other at a party, both students at the same University.<br/>Now, Sirius has made himself YouTube famous, and Remus is teaching English, but as the world take a bigger interest in Sirius' personal life, their relationship is beginning to change and it gets harder and harder to keep it private, at the same time as Remus and Sirius start slipping apart (because I personally love to suffer, sorry about that)</p>
<p> (I am sorry, this is a horrible description, you will have to read this to know what it really is about)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is just a few important things:
> 
> 1\. This is my first fanfiction ever, and the first story I've written (outside of school) since I was 12. Please take it easy on me?
> 
> 2\. English is not my first language and there are probably mistakes in this. I am sorry about that, tell me and I'll correct it.
> 
> 3\. I have no relationship experience
> 
> 4\. I have no romantic experience 
> 
> 5\. I have no friendship experience
> 
> 6\. I have never been to a party
> 
> 7\. I haven't been to University
> 
> 8\. I don't live in the U.K., a lot of these facts are probaly wrong, sorry about that.
> 
> 9\. I have no plan, we'll just have to see where this goes.

September, 11 years ago   
_The room is crowded with people. Dancing, laughing, talking, drinking people. And everyone who’s ever been to a “back to school” party knows how loud and clumsy drunk people can be. The music is loud and obnoxious and Remus can feel his body shiver with every beat. He has literally no idea what he is doing here. Normally, he’d refuse to even go near such a gathering but for some reason he let himself be talked in to it because Lily, his best (basically only) friend didn’t want to go alone. Apparently, she did not need his company as she’s now off kissing some unknown guy in a corner. Remus would like to leave, but if so he would have to approach Lily in order to get back his keys, which are held hostage to make it impossible for Remus to leave. He is really not in the mood for straight, drunken love at the moment (and he has also no idea who that guy is, for all he knows he could be a serial killer or a violent jealous drunk) and the party nowhere nearly over, so he decides upon trying to find a place to sit (that’s not covered in vomit or any unknown substances, thank you very much). As he walks through the room he realizes that it probably will be impossible to find such a place – he can just hang out by the bar instead. Well, he’s not going to drink anything – the backside about driving to a party – but the party has been going on for hours and most people are drunk enough to have one-sided conversations about generally bizarre things (Remus would probably never forget the one time he and a drunk stranger discussed whether or not zebras had their stripes because they wanted to look like prisoners in order to threaten everyone who’d come near them by the fact that they could have committed a murder). Perfectly for this cause, Remus sees an empty spot next to a table where three guys and a girl are sitting. They seem at least slightly buzzed, based on the fact that they are talking loud and seem amused by everything. He tries to hide, standing with his back against them, but suddenly someone approaches him from behind, causing him to spin around._  
_“I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?”_  
_“What?” Remus wants to punch himself really hard. Wow, the worst pick-up line ever and he actually asks ‘what’? To make this worse, the stranger is really handsome: perhaps three or four inches shorter than himself, long dark hair in a bun and icy gray eyes.  
“I said; I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?” The stranger makes an unsuccessful attempt at an eye-wink (he’s probably very drunk and just fooling around, Remus realizes) and puts his phone dangerously close to Remus face, the contact book open. Remus hesitantly takes it (he doesn’t want the guy to accidentally poke his eyes out, it has nothing at all to do with the fact that he finds the guy ridiculously attractive) and taps the numbers in as quickly as he can. He does not make it a habit, giving out his number to strangers, but something about this guy makes him believe that he won’t get out of here until he does. He hands back the phone (and is not at all affected by the guys vaguely drunken smile) and navigates through the room in an attempt to find Lily and then get the hell out of here. _

 

Present day (March)   
When the second alarm goes off, forty minutes before Remus has to leave, he lets out a deep sigh. It’s the first day after midterms and he could be a lot more excited about it. Unfortunately, mornings are not the best time to regret your life choices so instead Remus slips out of his husband’s arms and emerges from the blankets. Sirius makes muffled sounds before he opens one eye.  
“You’re already leaving?”  
“Well, we can’t all be famous youtubers with the ability to choose our own working schedule.” A smile is playing in the left corner of Remus’ mouth as he starts buttoning the light gray button down.  
“Well, we can’t all be sexy teachers either.” Sirius is laid back against the pillows, watching Remus as he dresses.  
“You have any plans for today?”  
“I’ve promised a new video for tomorrow so James is gonna come over to co-lab if he can get a sitter for Harry.” Sirius voice is starting to trail off by the end of the sentence  
Remus bends over and places a kiss on Sirius’ mouth as he leaves the room in order to have breakfast. 

 

The students are waiting in the hallway when Remus arrives to his classroom. He teaches English at the local secondary school – kids between the age of 11 and 18. Monday mornings start with year ten: probably Remus’ favorite grade since the kids are still kids, but they’re young adults at the same time (everyone with a social life during their teenage-years can remember all the crazy partying with experimental drinking of different hex brews stolen from their parents’ liquor cabinets, Remus partly included in this) which can make up for really interesting discussions. Although, the downside is that they are also very obsessed with social media, YouTube included. This unfortunately means that at least a few have a very unhealthy obsession with Sirius Black (have you ever met a teenage girl with a crush?). 

 

It would not be such a big problem if they knew that Sirius is married to Remus (they have literally been together since before Remus’ students knew how to read) and therefore not available for others; that Remus also is not deaf and can hear their conversations (they’re fourteen years old for god’s sake; they should not even know those things yet) and if they could shut up and do their schoolwork. Remus’ life would be easy, something that also could be achieved if it were not for Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown: one does simply not need to hear about one’s students’ so called ‘ships’ (Remus would assume that they were talking about boats if it were not for Sirius), especially if they include one’s husband of six years. Honestly, some things can’t be forgotten, no matter how much you want them to be. Included in this spectrum are graphic conversations about the supposed secret affair between James Potter (using Lily as a “beard” apparently) and Remus’ husband.

 

Remus opens the classroom and starts scribbling on the whiteboard before the door slams shut behind the last student, preparing for today’s group discussion about the book they’ve just finished.  
“Sirius Black just tweeted that he’ll be doing a co-lab with James today!”  
As the students start chattering eagerly, Remus inhales deeply. This was ought to be a long day…


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is very short, sorry about that. it's also more like a part 2 of the first chapter, sorry about that too.
> 
> thank you so much for reading this, and thanks for the kudos! it really makes me happy to see :)
> 
> italics is flashbacks, so you know .

When Remus comes home Friday night, he’s met by James Potter’s very loud and ridiculous laugh. As he walks in to the living room, he realizes that the air reeks of alcohol. 

“Guys, for serious?” 

“What? It’s Friday, drinking is allowed!” James shots a grin against him.

“D’you want some?” Sirius holds up a beer bottle and smiles innocently.

Remus rolls his eyes, tries to fight off a smile and walks up to steal not only the beer, but also a kiss from his husband.

“So, when is Lily coming back from France?”

 

_Remus rolls to the edge of the bed. It’s the morning after the party and he is now grateful about the fact that he didn’t drink anything._

_The apartment he shares with Lily is quiet as he walks through the small living room and in to the kitchen. He didn’t really expect Lily to be back: she went home with the guy she was making out with the night before and she is usually way too tired to sneak out in the morning, unless she has had coffee first. She is also not known for making bad choices in guys; which actually is the reason that Remus has stopped worrying about her. Of course, she is his best friend (practically his only friend) but she is also an adult and very capable of taking care of herself._

_Remus is sitting on the couch, sipping on his still too hot tea when he suddenly remembers the guy from last night: the one who hit on him (at least that’s what Remus thinks, the guy might just have been really drunk, and a slutty drunk on that, who just flirts with anyone, or maybe it was a bet from his friends, to get a number from a guy, because when Remus thinks about it, the guy probably isn’t even in to guys and is he overthinking this? He probably is). Is the guy going to call him? If Remus remembers correctly, he was quite handsome. Maybe even really handsome. But Remus doesn’t have the guy’s number and therefore not the ability to call him himself, so he just drops his head in his hands and sighs._

 

James leaves by eight, since Lily currently is stationed in France (as a journalist, she gets the opportunity to travel a lot) and Harry is left with his sitter.

In his absence, Remus and Sirius cuddle up on the couch while pretending to watch the random movie that’s playing in the background. Remus’ hand is playing with the soft hairs at the back of Sirius’ neck.

“Did filming go well today?”

“Mmhm, we actually got lots done, so video’s gonna be up tomorrow.” 

“By the reaction my students had after your tweet, it will be a success.” 

Sirius smiles softly at Remus’ words and wraps his arms harder around the other man’s waist. 

 

_4 unread texts from: unknown number_  
_12.22 pm >>hey did we hook up last night_  
_2.54 pm >>i’ll take that as a no?????_  
 _3.09 pm >>drunk me named you sweetcake whats up with that_  
 _5.12 pm >>did u give me a false numver or r u ignoring me_

_Remus stares at his phone. On the positive side, the drunk handsome stranger has messaged him. On the negative side, drunk handsome stranger doesn’t seem to remember anything from the night before. Drunk handsome stranger also seems eager to interact, so after much hesitation, Remus opens up a new text message to type out an answer._

_message to: drunk handsome stranger  
5.28 pm: No, we did not hook up last night _

_When it’s too late to regret his decision, Remus just holds his breath until he gets a reply._

_5.31 pm >>thats too bad  
5.32 pm >>if i remember correctly youre hot_

_Not knowing what to do with this information, Remus just smiles. He isn’t too good at interacting over messages, so instead of replying, he just lets his phone be, waiting for the stranger to say something else. Unfortunately, he doesn’t and Remus is surprised over the knot that is forming in his stomach._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will, yet again, try to post as soon as I can. sorry.


	3. "English stuff"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks, a new week and a little bit of present interaction as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. Thank you so much for reading and for leaving kudos! It just makes my heart so happy when I get positive response, and it also makes me want to write more, lol.
> 
> Italics are still flashbacks, just a heads up

It’s sort of funny how fast a weekend can slip away. Before Remus knows it, it is yet again Monday, and he is compelled to leave the bed early in order to not get fired. Even if he’s never felt an urge to become a YouTube celebrity, this is one of those days where he envies Sirius for not having certain workhours. Of course, he does have to put up with people noticing him and asking for pictures wherever he goes, but that’s a different story. Not anything Remus really cares about at 6 am a Monday morning, when he’d much rather spend the day in bed with his husband.

After some consideration and a desperate try to make the clock go backwards (by willpower of course), Remus gives one final sigh and leaves the bed, careful not to wake Sirius. As much as Remus loves his husband, he has a tendency to make him late, and besides, waking someone up early is just not a kind thing to do, unless there’s a fire or a potential axe-murderer in the next room. 

 

_Even though Remus is quite certain that the handsome stranger won’t write another text, he still keeps close track to his phone during the rest of the evening. Lily, who is studying in front of the television, seems to take notice, but she doesn’t make any more of a comment than raising her eyebrows when a phone finally buzzes and Remus eagerly throws himself against his own, just to notice that he didn’t receive any message._

_By the next morning, Remus is sick of waiting. He opens the last text he got from the stranger (and yes, he might have felt both rejected and then stupid, when he realized that it was himself who didn’t text back but honestly, what could he have answered to that? Should he have answered? Does it look like he wasn’t interested? Is he even interested? Okay, now he’s overthinking this again, just send the stranger a damn text Remus!)_

_message to: drunk handsome stranger  
9.56 am: If I remember correctly, you are not too bad looking yourself_

_And then he just waits._

 

Since Remus’ first Monday morning lesson is with grade 10, he sighs internally before walking in to the classroom. The meeting cut short today, meaning that he has about twenty minutes before the students will arrive. He checks on his phone and chuckles when he sees that Sirius has not only woken, but also left the house and sent Remus a picture of himself and Harry in the local park.

message to: Sirius  
8.39: Harry not interested in going to school?

message from: Sirius  
8.40 >> no he is, we just had rly good light for a selfie ;) james is not interested though, he looks like hes sleeping still lmao

Remus smiles down at his phone when Sirius sends an additional picture, this time of himself with a yawning James in the background. 

As much as he would like to continue the conversation, he has a lesson to prepare and therefore puts his phone in his pocket, without texting Sirius back.

 

_message from: drunk handsome stranger  
11.23 am >> are you flirting with me???_

_This texting thing is hard. That much Remus knows. He doesn’t even know if he was flirting with the drunk handsome stranger. It’s so hard to know when you don’t see them, right? Or maybe Remus is just bad at flirting, because honestly, he probably was flirting with the stranger, now that he thinks about it. Times like these are the ones where Remus wishes that he’d have some experience in this area, because this is just way out of his comfort zone. Should he keep flirting? How do you even flirt? Should he ask Lily? Lily knows how to pick up guys, she has to know this._

_“Lily!”_

_The apartment is quiet. Lily is not there. Should Remus text her and ask for advice? No, he can’t do that, he’s a grown man! He can flirt over texts if he wants to._

_message to: drunk handsome stranger  
11.31 am: That depends. Were you flirting with me?_

_The reply is instant._

_11.32 am >> well yes  
11.32 am >> so sweetcake, do you have a name?_

_A moment of hesitation. Remus is not a usual name, so if this guy is a creepy stalker, all he has to do is some research and then he’ll be knocking on Remus’ door in the middle of the night. Of course, there is also the possibility of this guy not being a creepy stalker. Remus decides to go with that._

_11.35 am : It’s Remus.  
11.36 am : And I did not name myself so don’t make fun_

_11.37 am >> well thats … unusual_

_11.39 am: I am aware. How about you?_

_11.42 am >> Sirius, like the star_

_11.43 am: Okay, so maybe you win the competition of “who has got the weirdest name”._

_11.45 am >> siriusly? I shall now give you the honors of listening to my hour-long speech _

_Remus can’t control himself. He just smiles at the phone, partly amused and partly in awe over this man, Sirius, who he doesn’t even know. At least not yet._

 

Remus makes it through half of his lesson without interruptions before he has to confiscate Lavender Brown’s phone. It is not anything that hasn’t happened on a weekly basis since the start of the schoolyear, but this time he gets a new reaction.

“Siriusly? I was doing English stuff, okay?”

Remus raises his eyebrows at this statement (okay, Sirius and James use just that specific adaption of the word ‘seriously’ all the time, in their videos as well, so it’s not like it’s weird that they are using it as well, but it’s still… weird. Like it’s too close to home?). He casts an eye down on Lavender’s phone. It’s not locked, and he can see that the screen is filled with small, black text.

“And what is this specific ‘English stuff’?”

Lavender blushes at his question, but she’s still looking him in the eyes.

“I was reading. That’s English now, isn’t it?”

Remus looks back to the screen and starts reading the visible text. As it turns out, it is a pretty graphic sex scene between no one less than James Potter and Remus’ own husband. For some reason, Remus can feel his face pale and locks the phone before anyone notices.

“You can have your phone back after class, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading!
> 
> I wrote this yesterday at my grandmother's because I got thrown out of my house :/ played the role of grumpy teenager really well, sat by my computer for a few hours. I would have posted it earlier today, but it wasn't a very good day and I haven't been home.
> 
> Next chapter will be up as soon as possible, but since I've actually got school this week I'm gonna be busy, sorry.
> 
> This probably has some errors in it, as my eyes got tired and my lenses blurry... feel free to point it out but don't be rude ;)


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is soo short, sorry. I just didn't know how to continue and I don't have the energy to figure it out so have these 800 crappy words until I figure my shit out.

Remus can’t help himself. He just has to tell Sirius the whole “Lavender-incident”, partly because he is so unbelievably embarrassed and partly because the whole situation is just hilarious. Sure, he has experienced his students talking about Sirius in sort of inappropriate ways, but this fanfiction, that’s just wrong. In so many ways. And honestly, it wasn’t even a good sex scene! Remus knows this, because you know, he’s sort of gay. And you know, married to Sirius. Let’s just say, he’s glad that his students don’t know this.

“Hey babe, I’m home!”

Sirius immediately leaps up from his place on the couch and throws himself in Remus’ arms.

“Good day at work?”

Remus grins with his mouth against Sirius’ neck.

“I guess. Do you know that there’s… explicit fanfiction about you and James?”

The reaction itself is hilarious. Sirius pulls away from Remus, eyes wide open like they are going to pop out of his head. 

“Explicit like… sex?”

Remus just nods, smile getting wider and tenser at the same time.

“What? Why would anyone even write that?”

Sirius looks almost desperate, like he’s expecting Remus to know this. Like, Remus doesn’t write fanfiction about Sirius and James, so how could he possibly know? Instead, he just shrugs.

“I confiscated a phone today and caught a glimpse. It was quite unpleasant right then, but now I sort of find it amusing.”

Sirius groans, put his hands over his eyes and for some reason, he doesn’t seem amused at all. Not even a little bit. Remus starts to come to a realization.

“Wait, you knew about this? You knew about this?”

He isn’t mad, okay? He is just a little bit confused, because Sirius usually tells him everything that goes on, even on YouTube. Remus has heard about all the fangirls, about the haters, about those who constantly tweet him, those who draw pictures and make art, but he has never heard a single word about anyone writing fanfiction in which Sirius and James have sex? 

“Babe, I spend time on the Internet. Both James and I have gotten links, more than one time. And they know that we’re not dating, they know that. I guess it’s wishful thinking, you know? But I didn’t think anyone had taken it this far, because that’s just weird.”

Remus does not push the subject any further.

 

\------------------------------------

 

_Sirius have been texting him several times, every day and Remus has begun to realize that it’s practically the highlight of his day, every time. As soon as his phone goes off, he reaches for it and if it’s a text from Sirius he just lights up. It’s gone so far that Lily has noticed and now comments on it._

_It’s actually sort of weird, how much you can learn about someone by just sending them messages. Remus now knows that Sirius is majoring in English, that he is in his first year of university (Remus is on his second), that he has a brother and that he has completely ruined the word “seriously”, possibly for all of the future._

_“Why don’t you just meet up?”_

_It is day number nine of Remus and Sirius’ constant texting and Lily is trying to study, which is kind of hard when Remus’ phone keeps buzzing every other minute, disrupting the peace._

_“No!”_

_So okay, Remus reacts badly. He doesn’t even know why he snapped. Maybe because Sirius seems like this really great guy and Remus is worried that he won’t like him if they meet in real life. And yes, they have technically met already, and this is silly, but Remus can’t help these thoughts form just inflating his brain._

_“Well, can you at least take your phone somewhere else? Or stop texting?”_

_Damn, Lily’s grumpy when she’s stressed. Knowing from experience that no arguments will help, Remus gets his ass of the couch and retreats to his bedroom._

_9.42 pm: My flatmate just threw me out of our living room._

_9.43 pm >> rude!!! shall we prank her?_

_9.44 pm: Are you serious?_

_9.44 pm >> *sirius that’s how it’s spelled_

_9.45 pm: Are you sirius?_

_9.46 pm >> yes cause i’m a star you dork_

_Remus smiles. He walked right in to that one, and he did so completely consciously. He can’t really help himself. There is something about Sirius’ that he adores so deeply, without even have met the man (sober at least). Perhaps Lily was right, after all. Maybe they should meet up. Like, could a cup of tea really hurt?_

_9.51 pm: Would you like to have tea or something with me some time?_

_He did not think that through. At all. And when Sirius doesn’t answer for over twenty minutes, Remus just buries his head in his hands, sighs and goes to sleep. Sirius is probably not even interested. He should have known that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Remus is literally the older version of myself capable of feeling romantic feelings lmao.
> 
> Again, I am so sorry for the lenght and content of this chapter - it's horrible. I know that.  
> I've actually had school this week and it makes me so aggressive, and I'm just really tired for some reason. 
> 
> also you can follow my tumblr here if you'd like: whataboutthat.tumblr.com


	5. Coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius decides to tell his subscribers a 'deep dark secret' (or not lmao I suck at summaries)
> 
> Sirius POV peeps!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I suck at writing. Sorry about that. However, I would like to know what you think and I do hate asking for this but honestly, comments on what you want me to write or what you think about what I've written would be nice lmao
> 
> Sirius POV this chapter cos I didn't know what to write or anyting, and again I am not British and English is not my first language ok
> 
> italics are still flashbacks so you know

When Sirius wakes up Tuesday morning, Remus has already left for work. It’s not weird or anything, since it’s actually nine thirty, but Sirius is usually not a heavy sleeper. 

He walks in to the kitchen, makes himself a cup of coffee and starts going through the day in his head. He should do a new video. At least some sort of a draft or a plan, since he hasn’t posted anything serious since the previous week. The problem with this is the fact that he has been in the business for about eight years and to be honest, there are just not that many different videos that can be done. It’s impossible for it not to get boring at some point and sometimes Sirius just feels like that time is now.

Of course, there is this one video that he hasn’t made. Because the case is, Sirius has been a YouTuber for about eight years. He has millions of subscribers all around the world. He goes to conventions and meet-ups. But Sirius is in the closet. He hasn’t done a coming out video. In fact, he doesn’t mention is sexuality at all. No one but his closest friends knows that he’s queer (pansexual, if you were wondering). He just isn’t out to the world and it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s _ashamed_ or anything, cause he’s not. He’s just scared or something, because people can be pretty bigoted and idiotic, like his parents were (are if we are being technical, but for Sirius they just don’t exist anymore so they might as well be dead). 

It’s just that the thing is that Sirius knows that a lot of his followers are queer. He knows that lots of his followers are struggling with their identity. He knows that some people want him to be gay as well (the fanfictions about him and James are just proving the point) and he knows that he’s really just procrastinating the inevitable, so for some strange reason, this Tuesday morning Sirius doesn’t bother to write a script. He just sets up his lightning and camera and takes a deep breath before starting the camera and smiling confidently.

“Hey guys, it’s me. Today will be a… sort of special video I guess, something I really should’ve done already, you know? But anyway, I’m here and I’m queer, so let’s get started with this shit.”

 

_Okay, so Sirius does have a minor freak out when he sees that Remus is suggesting to meet up. Ever since he left home he has embraced his sexuality (and done some experimenting as well, let’s be real here) but most times he’s been sort of drunk. If he’s not, he either just hangs around or goes for girls only. Getting beaten up by a guy that apparently “doesn’t swing that way” is not something on his bucket list, to be honest. However, Remus did give out his number. He texted Sirius and seemed to like him. Maybe they should meet up? Or should they? Unless tea is a metaphor for sex (which Sirius doubts because that would be a stupid metaphor) it seems serious. And Sirius has never really been serious, especially not with a guy. Like, does he even want to do that?_

_After thinking really hard about the fact, Sirius head somehow falls to the pillow and he drifts of to sleep, without being able to send an answer to Remus’ text._

 

Sirius doesn’t really think a lot while filming his video. He just speaks from the heart or something cliché like that. Because of privacy, he leaves Remus out of the video completely. He leaves the video practically unedited at just under ten minutes and uploads it without second guessing. He doesn’t name the video ‘coming out’ or anything similar, but  
‘late is better than never?’. From there, he just goes on with his day. He doesn’t even text Remus or James to tell them, not because he doesn’t want them to know (it’s public, they will find out sooner rather than later) but because he the thought doesn’t cross his mind. For some reason it just doesn’t feel that big of a deal now that he’s done it.

It isn’t until just before Remus gets home that he realizes what he’s actually done. And that it can’t be taken back. Now everyone knows and they can’t stop knowing it. Millions of people know, and looking at the statics such as comment and views, this will probably be Sirius’ most popular video of all time. And all comments are not positive and encouraging. 

When Remus finally gets home, Sirius is on the edge of having a panic attack. 

“What’s wrong?” As Remus takes in the scene in front of him, his expression gets more and more worried.

Sirius is almost hyperventilating when he answers.

“The closet is no longer a place I can call my home.” Of course, being himself, he pulls a cocky smile after finishing the sentence.

“You came out?” Remus asks after doing some quick thinking for a few seconds.

“I came out!” Sirius relaxes a tiny bit when Remus drops his bag, walks up to Sirius and pulls him in for a tight hug.

“I am so proud of you.”

 

_When Sirius wakes up the next day, he has completely forgotten about the text and Remus’ suggestion to meet up for tea. As usual, he eats breakfast on his way to the first lecture of the day (a morning class, siriusly?) and as usual he’s there just on time. As usual, he struggles to keep at least a tiny bit of focus (he’s not a morning person, okay?) on the content and as usual he will probably have to completely rewrite all of his notes as they are barely readable. It’s a very ordinary day until he is walking towards the dining hall when reality suddenly hits him out of the blue. Like, really hits him, in the form of Remus Lupin walking with his eyes glued to his shoes and therefore crashing right in to Sirius._

_“Oh shit, sorry, sorry!” Remus lifts his eyes and just as he’s on his way to hurry away he beams with recognition._

_“You’re Remus, aren’t you?” Sirius actually has to make sure; he was quite drunk when they met, you know?_

_“So you do still remember me.” Remus’ voice is monotone and Sirius suddenly remembers the unanswered text message from the night before._

_“I didn’t ignore you last night, I promise!” Oh, how Sirius hates himself for saying that. It sounds so weird and needy, and really not like him. Remus just stares and then, he slips away, walking in the opposite direction without saying a word.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> & also I wrote 1000 words while hating myself and my writing, congrats on that xx
> 
> I do not know when I will update next, I have lots of tests & shit and no motivation right now tbh..


	6. that's how you know (you fucked up)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you can only name half of your chapters (insert emoji here, doesn't matter which one, pick your favourite)

_message to: Remus  
8.12 pm >> are you busy?_

_Sirius knows that he sort of fucked up (or did he really, like, he just fell asleep, it was weirdly sensitive of Remus if we’re gonna be honest here) but of what he’s seen of Remus, he really likes the guy. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to just go out for drinks or something with him._

_message from: Remus  
8.15 pm: Not really, why?_

_Score. Sirius now has his chance to ask Remus out for drinks or something. He has his chance to make last night up to him, to show that he is interested as well. But instead, he, because of the university caused sleep-deprivation, falls asleep. Again._

 

Since Sirius isn’t over his major freak-out when he wakes up on Wednesday morning, Remus takes a day off work to be able to support him. Sirius has been bombarded by tweets, received thousands of comments and is the trending topic on practically every single social network. Tumblr is boiling over with new fan art and fanfictions. People are waiting for James to come out and for “Prongsfoot” (apparently James’ and Sirius’ ship name) to be admitted and recognized. Sirius will probably have to find a way to let them down easy; preferably in the company of James. 

The best part of this entire thing is all the support that Sirius has received, not only from his fans, but also from other YouTubers and celebrities known for all the possible different things. 

The worst part is all the hate. Sirius supposes that he was sort of expecting it, but in this amount? For fucks sake, it is the year of 2016 and people should not hate him because he’s queer! Especially not if they two days earlier admired him and praised the ground that he walked on because, to be honest, that is just pathetic and bigoted. 

After some encouragement from Remus’ side, Sirius decides to make another video in which he will answer some of the questions that the fans have asked (and make it quite clear that he is not dating James). 

“Do you want me to tell them about you?” Sirius asks sincerely.

Remus hesitates.

“No. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, but… my students watch your channel. It would be weird. But could you perhaps say that you are taken at least? I honestly don’t know how much more of this ‘shipping’ I can take.”

Sirius smiles at his husband’s nervous rambling and cups his hands around Remus’ head.

“Of course, I understand where you’re coming from. But will you stay in here and manage the camera or something?”

Remus answers with a nod and kisses Sirius carefully before letting go.

“Let’s do this.”

 

__message to: Remus  
7.00 am >> oh my god i’m so sorry i fell asleep again  
7.01 am >> I was gonna ask if you wanted to do something so do you want to do something tonight instead? 

_Sirius hates himself. Okay, well, he doesn’t really, but this? This was a really horrible thing to do. There are about three possible outcomes of this. 1: Remus believes him, understands and agrees to “do something tonight instead”, 2: Remus thinks he’s playing hard to get, and 3: Remus thinks that he’s just not interested and gives up. But you see, Remus isn’t answering and even though it could be because a lot of different things, Sirius still feels like Remus has chosen outcome number 3. For some reason, it leaves Sirius with a sick feeling and a stomach in knots. How could he manage to break something that never even was anything?_

 

Sirius is staring right into the camera. In front of him he has his computer, where he can read those questions that he’s not really eager to answer.

“Okay guys, I will just choose a few questions then… ‘Are you and Prongs a thing?’ In fact, we are not and have literally never been either. Please just let that one go.”

Man, he does not want to do this. Why is he doing it anyway?

“‘Are you currently seeing anyone?’ In fact I am, and he’s awesome and I’m not really gonna tell you anything more about him right now.”

Now that he has answered the only two questions that he actually even wanted to answer, this thing is going to suck even more. 

“Oh man, this one’s good! ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’ Should I answer that?” The last comment is directed to Remus who immediately shakes his head. 

“Okay, that’s a no then. What else do we have?”

As the video continues, Sirius starts to feel more comfortable in his own skin again, more like himself, you know? However, there are not a very large amount of appropriate questions to answer and the video is soon posted on YouTube. 

 

_When the evening comes around, Remus has still not answered Sirius’ text and because Sirius is sort of the king of bad choices, he goes out drinking alone instead. On a school night. Not very smart; he knows that from personal experience, but sometimes you have to make some bad choices. And sometimes, bad choices can turn out good, which Sirius realizes when he’s on his third beer and no one less than Remus Lupin walks in to the bar._

_At first, Sirius plays it cool. Then, when the alcohol starts to hit him, he doesn’t play it very cool. To be honest, he just walks up to Remus (with limited body control, cause you know, alcohol) and stands in front of him, smiling goofy, before he just reaches out, planning to press a kiss to Remus’ stupid mouth (that just looks so nice and so soft). The non-cool part about this? It’s in that significant moment that Sirius loses his balance and literally falls over, landing on a chair and earning himself an amused glance form Remus, before said man leaves the bar, without even helping Sirius up. Rude._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is low key horrible, sorry mates. I can't write interactions at all (cos I have no friends) 
> 
> I am also sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but I warned you and this will probably happen again since I am very tired right now. I am also in the middle of my final exams of high school (grade 9 for y'all americans, i'm swedish & stuff) which can be compared to the GCSE's and finals as well, I guess. anyway, my motivation is low .
> 
> thank you for reading anyway, and thank you so much for leaving kudos, comments and bookmarks! I would love to hear what you think about this, so you know.
> 
> also follow my tumblr @ whataboutthat


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait guys! also this is crap lmao sorry about that too.
> 
> probably mistakes in, feel free to point out.
> 
> also, you should probably know that the only person I like to interract with is my horse. I have basically no social experience which is why everything is weird.

Remus hates the internet. Well, okay, he doesn’t _hate_ it, because he is an adult and he knows that hate is a very powerful word that preferably should not be used at all. So, he just dislikes it (the internet) with a lot of force. Feels that it does more bad than good, you know? Even though it is quite useful sometimes, because he’ll totally admit to that, some days he just wants it to be taken down and forgotten about. Where’s that 19th century lifestyle when you need it, huh?

However, it is not the 19th century: it’s a regular Thursday in our time and the internet does exist. Of course, it’s what actually pays for a lot of Remus’ bills and stuff like furniture and… other stuff, but it is also the reason that his husband is hiding out in their home, accompanied with a really bad mood that does not suit him at all. It’s the reason that Remus no longer knows what he’s supposed to do, because the person he always asks for advice is not able to give them, and Remus’ back-up choices can’t do anything to help. It seems sort of impossible, and if Remus is in a sour mood because of this, then just let him and leave him alone. 

He’s a teacher. He is used to have the answers, to know what to say but now he doesn’t and it’s hurting the person that he loves the most. The worst part is that he can’t help and he can’t escape this entire scenario, even at work. The children just won’t shut up about Sirius and they all have different opinions on his “choice to be gay”, thank you very much for that comment Mr. Flint. 

So, considering all of this, it is actually sort of weird how Remus does not lash out until last period. 

And, oh, right, the reason he lashed out? It is simply enough a single word with a big meaning: _fangirls_. In Remus’ defense, they were interrupting the lesson with their _oh so annoying_ , consistent talk about Sirius and how they were sure that “Prongsfoot” were real. As if it wasn’t bad enough to have obvious fangirls in one class, Remus is able to find them everywhere, and for understandable reasons, this is touching him on a personal level – hence the lash out.

“That’s enough!” Remus bangs a book onto one of the offending girls’ desk, and has raised his voice. The students are staring at him in shock, as they’ve never really heard him yell at all before. 

“These people, no matter what you might think, exist. They are real people with actual feelings and for some reason; I doubt that they would appreciate this conversation. For the record, neither do I. Get back to work and keep the gossip to your own time.” 

With a glare, he turns around, walks up to his desk and leaves the girls with eyes wide open and the entire class seems to be paralyzed to silence.

 

_As he is leaving the bar, Remus’ thoughts are running wild. He doesn’t know what to think, okay? To him, it seems that Sirius is playing some sort of ‘hot and cold’ game, but based on his reaction, maybe he’s not? In all honesty, Remus himself has fallen asleep out of nowhere more than once since he started university._

_Although, there is also quite a big chance that Sirius doesn’t know how to be serious; or that he doesn’t want to be. Realistically, Remus knows that a lot of people don’t ‘do’ serious relationships in college (no pun intended), but he also knows that there are people who do – himself for an example._

_The weirdest thing might be how much Remus even cares about Sirius. For god’s sake, they’ve technically only met once when Sirius wasn’t fully and truly pissed, and he can’t say that they talked much then. All of their other interactions have been through a cell phone, which basically means that Remus is so damn stupid for thinking that something could come out of this. Somehow, it is so clear now._

_But then there is that other part of Remus’ brain that really wants to believe that something could come out of this. After all, Sirius keeps texting him and approaching him whenever they see each other in public. And he obviously finds Remus attractive; partly because he’s said so in some of his texts, but also since he seemed very willing to sleep with Remus that first night when they met at the party._

_So yeah, Remus has no fucking idea about what he should do._

 

Remus is still in a sour mood when he arrives home. He has a ton of essays to correct and grade and on top of that, Sirius is still down, causing Remus to worry about him, since that’s sort of what they do; worry when their significant other is having a hard time.

As Remus is trying to grade his essays, Sirius sits down next to him on the couch and snuggles up against his shoulder. To be completely honest, it’s a welcome distraction from Remus’ school world. It’s an excuse to do something else, to focus on _anything_ other than everything that Remus has to deal with at school. And you know, somedays, he feels that whatever it is that he gets from dealing with all of it, it’s not worth it. Maybe it’s never really been.

 

_Remus phone drops out of his hands for about the tenth time this evening. He just keeps fiddling with it, as if it would help him gain the courage to contact Sirius. Finally, he’s made up his mind. He is going to go for it. After all, you’ve got to live a little when you’re young and at university, right?_

_Unfortunately, it turns out that Remus is a coward. He can’t bring himself to call or even text Sirius for that matter. It’s quite annoying, frankly, to be so determined but still not able to do this one simple task._

_After doubting himself for another fifteen minutes, Remus finally unlocks his phone. By this time, he has realized that he won’t make that call, but if he wants to see or hear from Sirius ever again, he’ll probably have to make the first move. Which totally sucks, by the way. So, Remus decides to just send a text. The worst possible outcome is simply that Sirius won’t answer, and this is something that Remus thinks he will be able to live through. At least he will have put himself out there._

_message to: Sirius  
9.01 pm : Are you still interested in meeting up some time?_

_Okay, maybe that’s a little forward. Second guessing it, Remus realizes that he probably should have written something else, but once the text is sent, it’s too late. He can’t take it back. All he can do is wait and see if Sirius will respond, and what his response will be. And that – the waiting – is probably the worst part of it all. Because it’s all been put into someone else’s hands. You have no control over the situation. So Remus waits._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, for the kudos and for your kind words :)
> 
> also do you want me to keep up with this? because I'm not sure if I should?
> 
> and follow my tumblr!! @ whataboutthat


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM BACK!!! AFTER A WEEK SO MUCH SOONER THAN I EXPECTED
> 
> but today we had school between 9-12 and we literally didn't do anything (like literally nothing and i wore a bra for that? not ok) and now I was bored so here ya go.
> 
> tomorrow we have "prom" aka a dinner with the entire year. I don't wanna go. 
> 
> friday is graduation. I don't wanna go. I have 3 more years + university. so excited.
> 
>  
> 
> THUMBS UP (KUDOS) IF YOU LIKED IT AND LEAVE A COMMENT :)))  
> i am not a youtuber sorry
> 
> also follow my tumblr :whataboutthat.tumblr.com

“Yes, that will be fine. Yes. Yes, okay, see you then.”

Remus watches as Sirius hangs up and flashes a grin towards him.

“I’m gonna be on Ellen DeGeneres’ show next week! They got me plane tickets for Tuesday morning, and since James is watching Harry, I thought you could come? It’d be like a mini-vacation!”

Sirius entire face is beaming and his smile is wider than Remus has seen it since before he came out to the world. Which is why Remus is vaguely hesitating about doing it, joining Sirius on his trip, before he realizes what it would actually mean.

“I can’t.” 

For some reason, he feels actual physical pain when Sirius’ face falls.

“Why not? We’ve been talking about getting away for a while and it just seemed like a good idea.”

“But it’s not, and I can’t because no one knows about us. And to be honest, I would like it to stay that way, at least for now.”

“I’m not asking you to sit next to me on live-TV and tell the world about how we met, Remus, I’m asking you to just be there for me! I need you, okay?”

His voice breaks slightly at the end of the sentence and Remus has to take a deep breath before he can answer.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be there, Sirius; I know this is important for you. But I also know that when our relationship is out there, nothing can take it back. I will no longer be Remus; I will be ‘Sirius Black’s husband’. Even if I don’t come to the show, people will see us and they’ll know and I don’t want that right now, okay?”

Sirius doesn’t say anything. He just glares before turning around and leaving the room. Remus is left with a sick feeling to his stomach.

 

_Sirius have not yet answered Remus’ text. Twenty-two hours have passed and even though Remus knew that it was a long shot; that Sirius might not have been interested at all, he still feels some sort of grief about it. He can’t seem to let Sirius off his mind; constantly checking his phone just in case Sirius would suddenly have answered. It goes so far that Lily grows sick of him and when Remus lets go of his phone to go to the bathroom, she picks it up, unlocks the screen and phones Sirius. Remus can only hear one side of the conversation and is therefore in hell._

_“Hello, Sirius?”_

_Quiet for a moment._

_“Well, okay then. Is Sirius available?”_

_Remus lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Hopefully, Sirius is not available._

_“Well, it’s just that my friend Remus here, he sort of like Sirius and would like to ask him out. On a date. Could you please inform me if he would be interested in such a thing?”_

_Whoever Lily is talking to seems to be close to Sirius, Remus can make out that much of the one-sided conversation._

_“Okay then. Could Sirius perhaps phone Remus when he is not hungover? Yes, that would be fine. Farewell James.”_

_Lily hangs up the phone with a slightly twisted smile and lets go of the overly formal accent she’s been using for the majority of the phone call._

_“He will call you tomorrow. You can save the thank-you speech for your wedding, it’s fine.”_

_Since Lily is Lily, she pats Remus shoulder as she leaves the room, as if he were a small child that she’d just set up for a play date with a new friend. Exactly what Remus needs._

 

When Remus comes home from work, the house is dark, empty and quiet. Sirius is not home. The know in Remus’ stomach grows bigger as he turns on the lights to discover that everything is exactly the same as when he left this morning. Sirius hasn’t been home all day, at least by the look of the house.

Even though Remus knows that they had a fight and that Sirius probably just needs a little time to cool off, he still worries. Maybe it comes with the job of having a husband; constantly worrying about him.

message to: James  
6.00 pm: Is Sirius with you?

message from James  
6.01 pm: Yeah he’ll probably spend the night

If Sirius is going to be spending the night at James’ and Lily’s, the situation might be more serious than Remus would have thought. Of course he understands that this interview is a big deal to Sirius: it’s the first one since he came out and a lot of new questions will most likely be asked. He would probably like some support, Remus gets that, but at the same time Sirius is great in front of the cameras. He has lots of experience with interviews and everyone always love him. It’s not like Remus usually comes across the country (or, well, in this case the planet) to accompany Sirius. However, for some reason, Sirius is really hurt by the fact that Remus wouldn’t come with him and as much as Remus gets Sirius these days, he can’t understand why.

As the anxiety starts hitting him, he gets his phone out and speed dials Sirius’ number.

One signal goes through. Then two. Then three and four, five, six and seven. It goes on to the ninth signal when the signals stops and the beeps change. Sirius has hung up on him.

 

_Remus is caught up reading a very long and quite boring chapter for his English class when his ringtone (the one Lily sent him on Bluetooth a few days earlier) suddenly goes off, causing him to in surprise drop the book on his face. He stretches out his arm in a desperate attempt to reach the phone, succeeds, and answers without looking at the screen._

_“Hello?”_

_“Hello.” The sound of Sirius’ voice is enough to cause Remus a minor heart attack. Damn, that is a fine voice._

_“Oh, hello.”_

_“Are you busy? Did you not want me to call?” Sirius sounds so concerned that it’s sort of cute._

_“No, no, it’s fine. I’m not busy or anything, just studying. University, you know heh?” Oh my god Lupin, bonus points for that one. It should be published: how to not flirt with a guy._

_“Yeah… so anyway, did you want to have drinks or something?”_

_“Sure. Did you have a special day in mind?”_

_“How about now? We can meet at that bar at campus?”_

_Remus nods before he realizes that Sirius can’t see him._

_“Yes, I will be there soon. See you there, I guess?”_

_They end the phone call and Remus smiles at his phone. He has a date._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this garbage lmao
> 
> also thanks for all the comments and all the kudos and the bookmarks, it makes me really happy :)
> 
> see you in a while i guess?


	9. chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back?? (me)
> 
> I write my chapters as I write my essays: with minimal time before I turn them in, either while feeling empty, full of hatred or acting as I'm fucking high. Go me. 
> 
> anyway, have a little bit of my shitty writing :) hope you're having a good day!

_Since Remus’ and Lily’s apartment is located just off campus, Remus walks to the bar. It is easier that way, especially as he is planning to have one (or a few) drinks._

_It’s already quite dark outside when Remus approaches the bar (ah, well, technically it’s probably a pub (what is even the difference?), since it actually serves food but because the name is “Joe’s bar”, most people refer to it as a bar) and the air is chilly in that way that is so typical for the fall. Remus doesn’t really mind, though, because it’s the nice kind of chilly and it’s for once not raining. However, he is kind of (very) nervous about this date (and is it really a date? It was never established so Remus can’t help but wonder even it makes him feel like a twelve-year old)._

_Remus inhales deeply and walks through the door of the bar. He doesn’t have any more time to be nervous, because as he walks in Sirius calls for him from a table near the opposite corner and Remus has no choice but to walk up to him. As he does so, he notices for the first time how good Sirius actually looks. Of course he’s noticed before, but not like this. Sirius hair is just so shiny and even though he’s short he has such a great build that makes it impossible to not look at him (like honestly, Remus like very much)._

_To be honest, this can’t go worse than to hell so Remus just sits down at the opposite side of Sirius and orders a beer to match the one Sirius is holding. It’s too late for regrets now anyway._

 

*

Old habits die hard. That’s actually one of the few sayings that are true, right?

It’s Saturday and therefore Remus’ day off. As he wakes up, he naturally stretches out to reach Sirius’ side of the bed. When he realizes that the sheets are cold and opens his eyes, everything suddenly comes back to him. The disagreement. Remus not thinking it was that much of a big deal. Sirius staying over at James’. Dodging Remus’ calls. Oh man, this could be really bad. Even though Sirius is a drama queen, he doesn’t overreact. He doesn’t ignore Remus’ calls, or Remus’ texts, or refusing to let James give any information to Remus. By concluding all of this, Remus understands that something is really wrong. The knot in his stomach is back. He doesn’t fully know what could have gone this wrong but he has to figure it out. Preferably before Tuesday morning. 

Remus leaves his bed with a sigh. His stomach feels so crappy that he can’t stand the thought of breakfast, so he just downs a cup of coffee before showering and dressing in jeans and a sweater. He’s lucky that it’s Saturday: since he woke up later than usual, it has now reached the time when it’s acceptable to call someone without feeling guilty for interrupting their sleep. 10.30 is only a few minutes away and practically lunch time, so Remus calls Sirius’ number and waits anxiously for him to answer. Which he doesn’t. Signal after signal goes by before the call is taken.

“Sirius? Thank god for answering!”

The relief that Remus feels does not last long when it turns out that James answered Sirius phone, since Sirius was “too hungover to function”, just like he would have done in when they were in university.

Old habits die hard, right?

 

*

As the numbers on his cellphone reaches 17.15 Remus has had enough. He hasn’t eaten at all since the night before, Sirius is still not returning his calls and James just messaged him that he’s “busy with Harry and unable to talk at the moment.

“What am I supposed to do?” Remus drops his head into his hands and groans. He can’t think clearly (he can barely think at all) and all he knows is that he has to reach Sirius, to know how he is, or he won’t be able to sleep.

That is how he finds himself sitting in his car outside of James’ and Lily’s house, wanting to enter but not wanting _this_ (whatever it is) to get worse. Some part of him is insisting that it can’t get worse if he just backs off; gives Sirius the space that he obviously wants, but at the same time another, more selfish part of his brain, keeps spinning around, telling him that it has to be fixed as soon as possible or it might not be fixed at all. Sometimes being a grown-up in an adult relationship really sucks.

In the end, Remus makes the grown-up decision to leave his car and knock on the door. His stomach feels even worse as he waits for someone to answer it. Just as he’s about to give up and go back to the car, the door flings open and Sirius is right in front of him. He looks just like he did the night before; even the same hurt expression still on his face as he looks at Remus. He doesn’t say anything, leaving the words to Remus.

“I just… I’m sorry, Sirius. Can we talk about this?”

“No thanks. I think you made yourself clear enough.” Sirius gives Remus an angry glare and shuts the door in his face. Remus is left on the porch, suddenly feeling empty and with the knots in his stomach going wild.

 

*

Remus doesn’t even remember how he got home. All he knows is that the scene that just occurred felt a lot like a break up, even though he realistically knows that it wasn’t. Couples fight sometimes and that’s okay. Married couples have disagreements sometimes, and that doesn’t mean that they are breaking up or that they are going to file for a divorce.

However, there are some times when “realistically” doesn’t help. Like, right now. Realistically doesn’t stop Remus from falling into a pile on the couch and start crying like a child. He doesn’t know what to do, and the person who’d usually comfort him is the reason why he feels like this. That is not a comforting thought at all, but it’s the only one that follows him as he falls in to a haze of tears and exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU!!!  
> for reading  
> and also for existing I just got so emotional I love you all
> 
> +++ Disclaimer CAUSE I DON'T LIVE IN THE UK AND ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE AND I BARELY KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS LOL
> 
> anyways my tumblr is http://whataboutthat.tumblr.com/   
> if you'd like to nag me about next chapter and so on (please do I need friends)
> 
> and if this was upsetting or emotionally damaging for you I'm not even sorry cuz I warned you c:


	10. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really should learn how to name my chapters.
> 
> Also I've now written 10 000 words!! some people do that in one chapter but I'm a pathetic failure I guess lol

Sunday mornings usually mean a slow and domestic bliss for Remus and Sirius. If Remus needs to take his work home, he tries to complete it during weeknights and, if needed, Saturdays. Sirius rarely records or drafts anything during Sundays. It’s their sacred day; a day for just _them_. 

However, when Remus wakes up this particular Sunday morning, he feels nothing of that familiar bliss. First thing first: he’s in a very uncomfortable position on the couch. And, to be honest, this would be completely fine if it had turned out that the uncomfortable position was on, under or snuggled up against his husband. It would be somehow worth it. But now Remus is alone on the couch. Hell, he’s alone in the house. Sirius still isn’t there and that freaking _sucks_. Remus hasn’t felt this alone and miserable in a very long time.

As he rubs his face (still swollen from all the crying he did the night before) he tries to find things that can be positive about this day:  
1\. he didn’t drink anything the previous night and is therefore not hungover  
2\. he doesn’t have to work because it’s Sunday.

The list is not very long.

And really, what can he do? Of course he’s going to have a negative look on life when it feels as if all the colours have drained with Sirius leaving. This is the biggest fight (disagreement; adults don’t fight, at least that’s what Remus likes to tell himself) they’ve ever had and because of that, Remus doesn’t know what to do or how to feel. Was this how it was before Sirius? 

Feeling like he has to do something, just for the sake, Remus phones Sirius again. He supposes that it’s his best shot after all.

Despite the early hour, Sirius is obviously awake. Only two signals go through before the call disconnects. This actually causes Remus to get a little bit angry. Sure, Sirius may want his space and he is probably hurt too, but they are adults. They are married. It has been a few days. They should be able to just talk about it, try to figure something out. So Remus calls again.

This time, Sirius just ignores the call. Remus ends up at voicemail, supposed to speak after the beep. The beep beeps and suddenly he doesn’t know what to say. Knowing that the time is limited, he just makes something up.

“Hey Sirius, I was wondering if we could talk? Please? I mean, just please call me back or text me or something. I love you, okay?”

And after all these years, Remus still does. He really does.

 

*

 

_When they’re exiting the bar (or pub or whatever), Remus is a slightly bit drunk. Tipsy. Not in the totally pathetic and horribly awkward the morning after-way, but still in a noticeable way that makes a lot of things way funnier than they should be._

_Remus’ arm is thrown over Sirius shoulders: as the other man tried to mimic the movement he almost stretched his shoulder from being shorter and not reaching (this was one of the things a lot funnier than it should have been because, you know, alcohol). They are walking very close to each other and the heat from Sirius’ body is the only thing that’s keeping Remus from shivering in the chilly autumn night. He is thankful for that and barely regrets not bringing a warmer coat. However, since Sirius’ apartment is in the opposite direction of Remus’, this is the place for them to part._

_Sirius apparently realizes this too, even in his drunken state; as he stops dead and turns around so that he’s facing Remus. A brief smile is playing on his lips as his eyes flickers down to stare at Remus’ lips. That’s enough of an invitation for Remus, who without further hesitation bends down and presses his lips against Sirius’. It’s quite clumsy and chaste and Sirius tastes of beer and some old food and something else that must be his own personal taste. It’s weird, really, that people taste different. At the same time Remus is very grateful for that, because Sirius tastes good. Remus could totally get used to kissing him._

_After a little while, they break the kiss. Remus is unsure of who did the actual breaking, but when he looks at Sirius who is all smiles and wet lips it doesn’t matter anymore. Remus kisses him again; just a small peck on the lips before they say their goodbyes and make promises to see each other again – soon._

_Remus can’t stop smiling during the entire walk home. It was a good first date, after all._

 

*

 

Sirius won’t call back. Four hours after his phone call (voicemail) that much is obvious to Remus. And, really, what are you supposed to do when you feel like your entire life is falling apart? What’s the norm, what do people do in situations like that? Remus doesn’t know, so he just sits on the couch, staring at his phone as if it’d send some sort of telepathic message, causing Sirius to just call him. 

He doesn’t.

Remus is interrupted (is it interruption if you’re not really doing anything that can be interrupted?) by the doorbell’s signal, echoing through the house.

Thinking it might be Sirius, he stumbles to the door, almost tripping over his own feet. Of course, Sirius has a key, but this is not the time for logical thinking. It’s just not.

He slams the door, eyes wide open in excitement, only to just as quickly darken with disappointment. He knows he really shouldn’t, but he just hoped so bad that it would be Sirius and that everything would be alright. In face of that disappointment, he can feel his eyes water and a moment later he is wrapped up in Lily’s arms as she holds him tightly and everything is just as it was back when they were flat mates and Remus had a bad day. And it just feels worse because Remus doesn’t really want it to be as it were then. He just wants everything to go back to normal and he wants Sirius to come home. 

However, we can’t get everything we want in life. That’s just not how it works. So Remus just cries with his face buried in Lily’s sweater instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM BACK SOONER THAN I EXPECTED  
> hope you're enjoying my sometimes okay and most times shitty writing. I do it for you :*  
> thank you for all the kudos and comments, it means the world(ish) to me.
> 
> I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible (I'm on holidays so I have free time and shit) but I'm currently not feeling great so I can't promise anything. 
> 
> Anywayyyyy, have a good day 
> 
> and also follow my tumblr @ whataboutthat  
> or my other tumblr but in that case you'll have to ask me on tumblr or something what it is lmao not gonna give it here cause it's more personal i guess.


	11. chapter 11

_That one first date led to a second at the same pub. And, a week later, dinner at a not quite so fancy restaurant (they are students after all) and the day after that, a movie that they both had been wanting to see. Soon, almost all time that Sirius doesn’t spend studying or sleeping (sometimes at least) is spent with Remus. Sometimes, it can be over 24 hours before he sees James and of course Sirius minds, but he can’t really bring himself to care. However, James seems to be of another opinion, especially after that one time when both James and Lily, Remus’ best friend, joined them for a night out._

_It is kind of odd, being that committed to one person. Sure, Sirius hasn’t slept with the entire school or anything, but he hasn’t really been in a relationship before, and now he notices that it’s not really that hard. Sure, Remus and he fight or disagree sometimes, but that’s fine. Hanging out with Remus is actually a lot like hanging out with James, except for the fact that Sirius and James don’t really have sex or kiss or cuddle or stuff like that. (Well, at least not in a romantic or sexual way, you know.)_

_Except from that one time right before their A-levels when they were really drunk and sexually frustrated._

_And even though university sometimes is a real pain in Sirius ass (and not in a good way, either), life is good. Even okay on the worse days. It just works out in a way that Sirius always had a hard time imagining. Like when Remus comes over after his evening class on Mondays and they cook dinner or order take-out and just exist. Domestic in a way that Sirius never experienced before he moved in with James’ family, but that he always craved without even knowing it. So, yeah, it’s good._

 

*

 

Sirius feels like shit and he has no idea what he’s supposed to do to stop feeling that way. Of course he could call Remus, or, you know, stop dodging Remus’ calls, but Sirius has never really been very good with talking about feelings or apologizing or admitting that he actually was in the wrong. He had a messed up childhood, okay?

The thing though, is that Sirius knows that he overreacted. He knows that he just should had done the adult thing and talked to Remus, instead of hiding out at his best friend’s house and ignoring Remus’ calls. 

However, as most people actually know, is that one of the hardest things in life is just that: to admit that you were wrong and to say that you are sorry about that. Apologizing. Making up. 

And still, the mere thought of apologizing seems heavier by every second that passes. It feels as if it’s just too late; one of these silly things that breaks people up because they just couldn’t bother to fix them. Didn’t know how to. 

It feels as if it might be the end, which Sirius doesn’t want it to be. He has the power to fix it, but he doesn’t know where to start. It’s just too hard.

 

*

 

Sirius is watching television with Harry and James when Lily comes home. She’s been away on a job for a few weeks and even if it’s not the first time that’s happened (it actually happens quite often, with her being a journalist and all) James always get as happy when she gets back home. He jumps up, runs to the door and hugs her and Sirius’ insides ache. 

“Where is Remus, isn’t Sunday your holy day?” Lily actually seems curious, so Sirius assumes that Remus hasn’t talked to her and that actually makes him feel worse. Remus has been all alone while Sirius has been complaining about him to James and Sirius has ignored all Remus’ attempts to make contact and actually talk about what happened.

“We had a fight”, Sirius mumbles.

“He’s been hiding out here ever since”, James tells Lily. Sirius isn’t even surprised; James always blabs everything Sirius wanted to keep secret to his wife (this also goes the other way around; Sirius should probably not be irritated about it). 

“Ever since? Sirius, have you even talked to him at all?” Lily is using the same voice as she does when she is telling Harry off for snatching a cookie or for unnecessary complaining about his classmates. 

And Sirius just looks down at the floor and stays quiet, so Lily inhales deeply and sighs before leaving again.

“Mate, you told me that you answered his call this morning” says James and he seems disappointed, which kind of makes Sirius feel even shittier. He actually didn’t think that was even possibly at this state.

 

*

 

Sirius finally decides to get his head out of his ass when it’s late and Lily hasn’t come home. However, he realizes that it wouldn’t be fair to Remus; that he probably needs some time with Lily and that Sirius just can’t come home like that, so he goes to bed and sets an early alarm instead. 

 

*

 

Sirius actually planned to do some disgustingly romantic thing, like buying Remus his favorite breakfast, but since it’s barely 5 am when he locks James’ front door behind him, nothing is open and that is not an option. He’ll just have to trust his words and himself.

Sirius considers whether or not he should use his key or knock at the door and wait for Remus to open it to give him the option of shutting it in Sirius’ face, but as he doesn’t think that Remus is awake he chooses to unlock it. Remus can throw him out anyway.

The house is deadly quiet. The living room is empty, so Lily must be sleeping with Remus in their bed. Dealing with a pissed off Lily before he’s been able to make up with Remus exactly what Sirius needs. Despite that, Sirius enters the bedroom, feeling almost sick from nervousness. 

Remus is sleeping on his usual side and Sirius’ heart skips a beat when he sees that he is using Sirius’ pillow. Careful not to wake up Lily, Sirius sneaks up to the bed and nudges Remus slightly. He blinks, confused, as he wakes up and seems both confused and relieved when he sees Sirius standing over him. 

“Can we please talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me but here I am, once again. (is anyone even reading this shit?)
> 
> I am sorry about the wait; I actually "tried"/planned to write this chapter like a month ago but I didn't know where to start and I really didn't have the energy to so... 
> 
> I am also sorry about this chapter: it is a bunch of badly written crap. sorry
> 
> my life is quite the same in case you were wondering (you weren't but lol), my mum made me see a psychologist who confirmed that I most likely have a light version of ASD but as I am so high functioning in my life as it is I most likely won't be able to get tested and get a diagnosis, and even if I were there is like 2 years of waiting in a line so yeah
> 
> also I start college (swedish college = gymnasiet) in a little more than 2 weeks so I will most likely be busy with that; I will try to write another chapter before I start and I will attempt at keeping up with this fic but don't know if I'll be able to write very often.
> 
>  
> 
> do you guys want me to continue writing? anyone's got any ideas cause I don't? hmu mate
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading and for those of you who leave kudos and comments, it's nice.


	12. 12

The entire house is quiet and that only makes Remus feel even more nervous. He has no idea what he is feeling. Of course he is happy and relieved that Sirius is back, but he is also really angry that he even left in the first place.

They sit across from each other at the kitchen table with steaming coffee in their hands. Remus doesn’t say anything; if Sirius came home before Remus goes to work he probably had something that he wanted to say or something he wanted to talk about on his mind.

Sirius clears his throat.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too”, Remus states. “But Sirius, I don’t understand why you got so upset because I never do these things with you, and you know, I really want to be there but I can’t.”

“Because of what people might think?” Sirius voice is weak and suddenly Remus is afraid that he’s about to cry.

“Sirius, you know it’s not about that-”, Remus begins before he gets interrupted by Sirius’ “then what is it about?”

“It’s just… are you ashamed to be with me or something? Because your co-workers don’t know about me. Or your students and that I get, I really do, but you haven’t even told anyone that you have a husband, Remus. That you’re married at all. You don’t wear your ring to work. Remus, I know that you’re a private person and that’s fine but I can’t tell _anyone_ about you. Do you think I like it when people ship me with James? Do you think it’s fun to have random people flirt with me on an open street and not being able to shut them down because I can’t say that I have a husband? We’ve been together for years, Remus, years! And we can’t eat dinner at a restaurant because then people might know.” 

“What do you want me to say, Sirius?” Remus is staring at his hands. “I never wanted to be dragged into the public circle, and I thought that I have made that clear, all this time, because that was all you.”

“But you wanted to be with me anyway, right? Because it doesn’t feel like you do anymore.”

 

*

 

_Remus is just finishing up his reading for English when Lily announces that she has a date._

_“Anyone I know?” he asks sort of jokingly, because he really doesn’t know that many people._

_To his surprise, Lily actually blushes and mumbles something inaudible before quickly putting on her shoes and slipping out through the door. Weird._

_However, Remus can’t really do anything about that as of right now, so instead he just shrugs (even though no one is there to see it) and goes back to work._

 

*

 

_Sirius comes over a few hours later. Remus doesn’t even notice until suddenly someone his covering his eyes with a “guess who?” and a giggle._

_“Sirius!” Remus laughs along, turns around and plants a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “I didn’t think you were coming tonight?”_

_“What, waiting for someone else?”_

_Obviously, Remus is not, and they spend the rest of the evening sharing soft kisses and cuddles over Remus’ by now forgotten English book._

 

*

 

Remus head is not in the clouds. Sure, he can’t focus on his teaching and keeps forgetting what he was about to say but his head is not in the clouds. It’s the contrary: his head is in the fucking purgatory (that is not a saying; Remus knows that because he’s an English teacher, but somehow it’s still extremely accurate).

When your marriage might be falling apart, it’s just sort of hard to focus on other things and it would be an actual miracle if Remus’ students haven’t noticed yet.

Of course, first class is English with year 10, also known as the death of most of Remus enthusiasm for his profession.

“Sir, are you alright?”, Lavender asks when Remus zones out for the goddamn fifth time in the middle of the speaking shit (author’s note: I forgot the word, hopefully you’ll know what I mean) that he likes to start off his classes with.

Remus blinks a few times and clears his throat. “Yes, of course, I am fine.” 

He’s not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super short, but you guys are so nice and I just wanted to get something up for you, I love you
> 
> thanks for reading !!
> 
> _______________
> 
>  
> 
> so yeah I'm really busy right now because school started last week and I have a lot going on in my life and it's only gonna get worse over the next few months but I will try to update.. nice comments really motivate me, thank you guys
> 
> honestly not feeling too great right now, have been thinking a lot about stuff and don't really know what to do about it or anything right now but i'll be alright though 
> 
>  
> 
> you can always find me on tumblr @ whataboutthat   
> feel free to talk to me because i am sort of desperate for friends lol


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's alive? I'll explain more after the chapter.
> 
> also you should probably re-read the last chapter cause it's been a while. sorry.

Remus knows that he needs to go home at some point, but somehow it just seems easier not to do that. He tells himself that it’s better to get some papers graded at work; that he’s more productive there compared to his own home, but deep down he feels the agony of having to speak to Sirius again. Maybe it would have been better if Sirius had just stayed at James’ and Lily’s place until he had to go, and then they could have dealt with everything afterwards. 

But really, when has procrastination done anything good for anyone?

 

*

 

Sirius is sitting on one of the kitchen chairs, with the set table and cooked dinner in front of him. He’s resting his forehead against his hands and looking so sad that it breaks Remus with every step he takes towards him. And that’s when it yet again hits Remus that this is serious; that it is so bad when you don’t know what to say to your _husband_ because you have hurt each other so badly.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.” Sirius breaks the silence.

Remus panics. Then he remembers the Ellen DeGeneres’ show trip, which, for the record, was what made them fight in the first place and suddenly, he hates the whole damn show. Hell, he hates all the 50 states of the USA. But that’s not a really mature thing to say, is it?

“Okay.”

“My point is, we still have to talk, Remus, because I’m going to be on the other side of the _world_ in less than 24 hours and we are still fighting-”

Sirius’ voice breaks and Remus still doesn’t know what to say. Instead he walks up to Sirius, hesitates for a moment and then gives him a hug.

“You made dinner, Sirius. We eat first?”

 

*

 

_They spent Christmas together. Remus came along to James’ and met the people that Sirius considers to be his parents. That’s just a thing, but at the same time it is so big and important and scary._

_It is the end of January and university is kicking Remus’ ass. Frankly, it’s not weird that no one wants to become a teacher: expensive education, shitty salary and so much work. And although Remus hasn’t even started working yet, he is already dreading it a bit._

_However, it’s Saturday evening and Remus has allowed himself to take a break and is cuddled up against Sirius’ chest on the couch, half-watching re-runs of some awful tv-show (Sirius likes it) while just enjoying the company of his boyfriend and relaxing (to be honest, he hasn’t really slept as much as he should have. Schoolwork, heh?). Every now and then, Sirius runs his hand through Remus’ hair. It’s so domestic and Remus can’t help but love all of it. Love him. Because he does, and he’s done it for a while and he still hasn’t told Sirius because he’s scared that he might not feel the same way._

_But now, when Remus is tired and comfortable, he can’t really bring himself to doubt it. And either way, if Sirius doesn’t love him, he wouldn’t stay, right?_

_“Sirius?”_

_A humming sound for an answer._

_“I love you.”_

_And Sirius hand freezes for a moment, causing Remus to sit straight up, face to face with Sirius who puts his arms around Remus’ body and kisses him._

_“I love you too.”_

 

*

 

They’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch but somehow the distance seems to be so much bigger. Remus is staring at his own hands, because he still has no clue what to say. 

“So… talk?” He looks up, hopeful that Sirius will be able to find the words that he can’t, but instead he sees tear stained cheeks and the boy he fell in love with all those years ago.

“I’m _sorry,_ Remus, and I know, I know I overreacted. But you know, I really do feel like we’re just gonna be… stuck here, like in this flat, forever, because you won’t come out, not even a little bit, and that kills me. And I need you to get that, okay?”

And Remus gets that. He does.

“Sirius, I understand that, I promise. And yes, it makes me sad that I can’t talk about you, or… bring you to work things, but I don’t want our relationship to be public domain and if I told my colleagues, they would either think I’m lying or spread the news. And my students would get to know. And eventually, everyone would-”

“But what’s so incredibly horrible about that? Is it really that awful to think that people knows that you’re married to me? Is that what this is?”

“Sirius…”

“I just don’t get it, okay? It’s not like we’re dating, or hooking up, because we’re married and that’s permanent, right?” Sirius is really crying now, tears streaming down his face and his words sounding choked.

“Sirius, it’s not that.”

“Well, then what is it?”

“It’s the fact that I don’t want anyone to write fanfiction about me! It’s that I don’t want to get questions from my students about you, or about us. It’s just that I want to live a normal life, Sirius, okay? And if we were open with our relationship, I might not be able to, and I’m not okay with that right now, okay?”

“Okay.” Sirius is quiet for a while, looking right in to Remus’ eyes. “But can you think about it a little? Consider it? Please? For me?”

“I will.”

 

*

 

Most of the tension is completely gone when they crawl in to bed next to each other. Sirius cuddles up way too close to Remus for it to be comfortable during the night, but Remus can’t bring himself to care. Instead he puts both his arms around Sirius and presses a kiss to his hair. For now, he can enjoy this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> (is anyone still reading this? pls comment your thoughts)
> 
> so, I have been pretty absent since august. I completely blame school, because I haven't time or motivation. However, it's christmas break and it's 3 am and i just wrote this while eating mint cream covered with chocolate. I will regret it later, but I felt motivation to write? what?????
> 
> I go back to school the 10th, might write more before that?? unless you all hate this and think it sucks lolzzz
> 
> updates on my life:   
> -I kinda have friends?  
> -I have now been around drunk people  
> -no one kissed me on new year's  
> -I am still kinda pathetic  
> -I have accepted myself more? I guess
> 
> wanna scream at me to write more? hear more about my pathetic life? see shitposting? ask about this piece of shit that is my fanfiction? follow my tumblr: whataboutthat.tumblr.com
> 
> thank you again (did you read this? what is life? i'm too tired i spelt christmas chrismas so many times)


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is very short but guess who's alive??
> 
> you should probably... re-read the last 13 chapters??? i guess?? enjoy???

Sirius does not want to go. Not when Remus is there and not when they technically aren’t fighting anymore. However, he wants to go, because one of the perks with being on the other side of the world is the fact that you cannot actually start another fight with your husband if you aren’t able to speak with him more than a few brief texts and a short phone call every day. 

Of course, the best thing would be if there was not a fight to start in the first place. The best thing would be if Remus came with him on this trip. But still, best case scenarios are not realistic. They just don’t happen that often.

 

*

 

It hasn’t even been two hours since Sirius left the house, but Remus already misses him. For god’s sake, Sirius hasn’t even left the _country_ yet. Still, maybe that’s what love is. Remus doesn’t even know anymore: he just knows that Sirius is a part of him, and that that part somehow is necessary for his own well-being. 

Philosophic thoughts are a great distraction, though. Which incidentally is the reason as to why Remus is staring off in space and doesn’t even notice when a group of his students arrive early for their class. 

“Good morning Mr. Lupin!”

“Good morning.” Remus smiles at them. “What’s up?”

He really is down with the kids these days. (He isn’t, really.) One of the kids in question has to cover their mouth in effort to disguise a laugh. As if adults don’t use the phrase “what’s up?”. (Most people probably do it in a way that is far less stiff.)

“Nothing, really,” one of the other kids say.

An awkward moment of silence.

“So, Mr. Lupin, do you have a girlfriend or anything?”

Remus smiles vaguely. Sure, he is a bit surprised that they actually asked that, but still, they’re teenagers and he has worked with teenagers before. Thinking about the conversation he had with Sirius the previous night, he gathers up some courage.

“Not that it is any of your business… but I am married, actually.”

“Really? Your wife must be so lucky!” 

Remus doesn’t correct them. It’s none of their business, actually.

 

*

 

Sirius is exhausted by the time he finally gets to the hotel. He has an extreme case of jet-lag, it is loud and bright and hot in Los Angeles and somehow, he’s just feeling a bit done. With everything. 

He collapses on the bed, pulls out his phone and crafts a message to Remus.

Message to: Remus  
hey, just got to the hotel, probably gonna crash now

He sends the message, briefly considering a phone call before realising that it in England, it is the middle of the night. Remus is most likely asleep, and considering that he has to work tomorrow, he should probably stay that way. No matter the fact that Sirius would like to talk to him. 

He should go through a few question for the interview instead. Yes, that would be a good idea.

“Sirius, when did you realise that you weren’t a heterosexual?”

“Sirius, for how long have you and James been dating?” They’re not, and he’s said it before, but somehow, people do not seem too willing to give up on that one. 

“Sirius, who is your mysterious boyfriend really?” He is the love of my life, he is not my “mysterious boyfriend” and believe me, I want to tell you about him but I promised not to. 

What other questions could they ask? 

Suddenly, Sirius just wants to go home. He doesn’t like L.A., and even thought the support he’s received has been incredible, he just feels like the world is collapsing around him. What if he’d never started the YouTube channel? How different would his life be today, if that one thing had never happened? Would everything be better?

Either way, it’s too late now. He has to do this. And suddenly, he really understands where Remus is coming from. And the fact that he didn’t before hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this!
> 
> it sure has been a while.. remember those times when i said i would write that weekend and then i didn't?? yeah, me too
> 
> anyways, this was veryyy short even for me who is just a bad author in general but i am back for now. school has been a pain and i have felt like shit frankly, but it's mainly over and now i have more things to have anxiety about.
> 
> i have changed a lot as a person in these past 5 months, including like 10 identity crises, and i dont even know if any of you like this anymore, because i can't seem to find the joy in this that i used to and i kinda hate most of what i've written this far. i am not sure that i am going to continue but i would like to finish this so i will try my very best.
> 
> comments are very much appreciated ( as always), thank you again for being patient with me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)
> 
> Feel welcome to give me some tips, but please don't be mean


End file.
